Without Wings Entry 4-30-2000

I bought this notebook/journal yesterday at Barnes and Noble. It was either this notebook or the hardbound black notebook/journal. I will get the black one next time.

Today is my mother’s birthday. Its 1:00 pm and Teresa still has not called me to tell me when she is going tot pick me up to go to my mom’s. I hope she calls soon.

Anyways tomorrow finals week starts. I wish it was over with by now. I’m so tired of school. I can’t wait until I graduate. I have two more semesters to go, then I graduate, get married to my wonderful Dennis, and move to stupid Alabama with our washer and dryer (that his dad is giving to us) and all the other little things we have.

Norma graduates this semester. I am going to miss her so much.

I am going to call Yvette. Talk to you later…




Blogging Like A Virgin

I once was a wanna be writer. I had good ideas. I had a way with words. Technology helped me with spelling. I am a terrible speller. All in all if you gave me a topic I could come up with something to write. Was it because I was young and young people tend to have an imagination? Was it because I was young and young people don’t have as much stress or responsibilities: work, family, school? Was it because I had more time? Maybe less children? No those extra responsibilities give me more topics to consider writing about, but still I have draft after draft of unfinished articles unorganized in odd file folders on my computer.

As a writer technology is as much my enemy as it is my friend. Technology is my frenemy and I get itch every time I start to read another of the millions of articles out on the web about attracting more readers to my blog. The linking, the wording, the affiliations, the scoring, the vlogging, the picture linking, the….I hate it. What is a stronger word for hate?  A quick question in the search word bring about a whole list of stronger words for hate. I choose all of those to describe how much I hate technology.

When I was a bit younger I had more patience to read article after article about web content and linking for better blog traffic and some of it still holds very true, but in a few years what was true then no longer holds true and I end up just staring at the screen, my back aching, my eyes tired, my neck stiff thinking WTF!!!!!! Why can’t I just write and post and hope that the good old fashion word of mouth works. Yes, I know that idea is laughable in an age when so much can be found on the internet and what I write isn’t even close to a needle in a haystack but even harder to find than that.

My refurbished idea of the day…stop being a wuss and make the effort out of my super busy life to take the time to read those how-to bring traffic articles. Not necessarily for this blog. This one is still fairly new, but to my other one.

Relinquishing Pain With Mosaics

I bought this 3 tier corner decor shelf years ago. The broken dish pieces came from a woman on Facebook who gave them to me for free when I posted a want for mosaics on one of those beg and barter  and sale groups on Facebook. I bought the grout years ago as well. The only thing new was the glue I purchased on amazon, but it is suppose to be eco-friendly and non toxic. I have yet to finish the project I started for school. It still needs a bit of paint and stenciling, but here is my refurbished piece.

Mosaic 1

Lazy Environmentalist: Shame, Guilt and Blah

0930150727a.jpgI have been feeling guilty lately…no not lately. Lately is the lie. I’ve felt this guilt for some years now, about my inadequacies as a mother, my importance as a human being and as an environmentalist. When my children were younger I put more emphasis on cooking, cleaning, making, doing and giving.  In fact, cleaning up the mess we a humans have made of our environment became a focus, a mission, for me. I wasn’t obsessed or pushy about it to anyone, but it became my focus. I wanted to be a part of the solution. How could I help make a difference?

It was important to me because I wanted a cleaner, kinder, less wasteful world for my kids to live in. The idea of my children growing up in a world filled with polluted waters, more trash than trees, and harmful chemicals grown into everything they eat was scary. It still is scary, but somewhere around 4 or 5 years ago my life took a drastic turn to juggling motherhood but suddenly juggling fatherhood and my sanity. My priorities changed  quite a bit.

I began to worry more about getting food on the table and keeping the terrible evil people that exist in this world away from my children. My motherly dynamics changed to survival first and then nurturing and mother nature next. Except after survival and nurturing it felt like more often than not I didn’t have time for mother nature. I wont go into detail to explain why my shift in mindset happened, other than to say in a divorce things get messy and sometimes plans, no matter how carefully planned and detailed, change.

So, there I found myself in the beginning of all my turmoil, often at the grocery store debating in my head over organic milk for their health or regular hormone injected milk I could afford. How about water? Water is cheaper and more eco-friendly. Or is it? It depends on who you ask and what part of the world and wait what about that study that confirmed all the harmful chemicals in our drinking water. What? Wait? I don’t have time to figure this out.

For the longest time I kept buying the organic milk, but everything else I bought I made sure was at least fresh instead of packaged. Until packaged became exhausted end of the week, my feet really hurt, I will tell them this is a treat, convenience. I would make up for it on Saturday for lunch by making something with a lot of fresh vegetables.

It took me years of practice and discipline to learn to become more environmentally friendly and after the divorce I struggled with who cares anyways and guilt for not practicing what I preach to my loved ones and blog readers. In the end telling myself, at least I still put some recyclables into the recycle bin for Wednesday recyclable pickup.

I’ve slowly transitioned back to cooking more fresh at home. I still use a lot of vegetables and fruits, but the packaged still has a way of calling out to me when I am most tired and whispering very loudly to me, “You know you want me. You know I’m easy”. Still, I barely cook 3 times a week if that and the last time I baked was… Oh wait I still have the compost bin in the back yard that I unfortunately use more like a dumpster for my green scraps than I do for fresh new healthy dirt for my, once there was a garden there, garden.

Did I mention, I had to stir the compost bin a few months ago to get rid of bugs that infested it? I let my compost bin become that bug magnet most anti-environmentalist use as an example to rid people of the idea of the tremendous benefits of composting. But you see the bugs are my fault. Not the compost piles fault. Had I not been lazy and stirred the compost more often bugs would not infest the pile. Why? Because the trick to keeping bugs away is by keeping up with the compost bin.

I was also disillusioned and disappointed by the environmental scams, the confusion, the fact overload, the environmental extremist, the false green advertisement and false green pretenses the greedy people of the world will make to dupe those of us that want to make a positive difference in this world. I guess I grew tired of that too. I grew tired of trying to figure out what was really environmentally friendly and what was false. Everywhere you read there are simple steps to going green. Its true there are, but maintenance and commitment come easy only to the dedicated. In the mix and gist of all the confusion I understood well enough that no matter what the best I could do I understood well, was to buy non packaged, less preserved, fresh locally grown and made products, but then I ran into the problem of I usually couldn’t afford it.

I didn’t do any of it for mother nature.  She can handle herself. If she wants to wipe us out before we wipe each other out she can do that naturally or she can just sit back and watch us do it to each other. I did it for my kids. I did it for me. I did it for the very idea that I can’t stand how wasteful and ungrateful we all are for what we have. We take from the giving tree until she has and is nothing left but a stump of a tree and then we wonder why in the end we have nothing left, why we are left alone and our lives are meaningless. We appreciate nothing and we give nothing back. And instead of fixing it we just hate on ourselves and on each other.



It isn’t in me

tiny charms from plastic to go boxs


Some years back I realized I wasn’t the type of crafty mom I wanted to be. I have always envied Martha Stewart mini mes. It isn’t that I don’t have the creative mind to come up with ideas of beautiful innovative things to make. In fact I am a very creative person. It is more like once it moves from my brain to my hand my hands decide to retaliate and create something not so elegant or nifty. I become frustrated. Add to the mix of unruly hands, 3 super excited kids who want to participate in this great idea I had in my head. It becomes a disaster because while I am trying to demonstrate my idea so that they can do it too, they turn their ears off, tune me out,  see all the pretty crafty things and then impatiently begin to randomly grab, cut and glue things.  To make it even more hair pulling for me my two oldest are now teenagers and they will argue over everything, even who gets what color or how long or how much glue is used.

Today was one of those days. For a couple of weeks now my son has asked me to do crafts with him. I have either not had the time or hesitated because I knew crafts meant arguments and mess I would be left to clean up. On those days I didn’t craft with him he grabbed paper and scissors and glue and made spears and Chinese stars and other weapons. The last craft he made was for me and it consisted of plain white paper with glue. He made a house with a garden for me. There was a lot of detail involved.

The guilt set in deep because I remember the days when I would try to craft more things with my kids. I thought about what my therapist told me about a year ago when I told her I wish I was more patient  and craftier like other moms. She asked me what I meant. I told her I don’t have patients to do crafts with my kids. I am too controlling and cant handle mess. I told her game nights and family outings are even difficult because my kids fight so much, especially my two oldest.

My therapist was honest and obvious. She said I need to keep doing it anyways. I need to keep trying and let them be more involved and I need to make sure they understand they have to clean up after. She said it is going to be hard to do, but I need to do it.

She reminded me it wasn’t always about the outcome ( the craft finished) but it was more about the effort I put into it and that is what they will remember.

So today I tried. I found a really fun easy to do, nothing to buy craft to do on YouTube and I was ecstatic about it because it was easy and it cost me nothing. The plan was to surprise my kids, show them the craft and then distribute the supplies so that we could do all do it.  There was one catch. I had to borrow my 12 year old daughters permanent markers. I thought once saw what we were going to do she wouldn’t hesitate and let us play. I was mistaken. It made her nervous. This multi color set of permanent markers she earned last year where of course very near and dear to her heart and creativity so there she was asking me over and over to be super careful with them and there I was assuring her I was and I thought she could clearly see I was.

Then her brother grabbed one of her markers and she began to yell at him to put it down. I tried to calm her down, but she tuned me out. I looked at her and told her to take her markers back; she would not be able to participate.

I remembered  that I found some in my bag upstairs a few days ago and so I ran upstairs grabbed them and came down.  That’s when my oldest chimed in about how those were her markers and then another fiasco ensued.  Really???? How ungrateful are these children? I sent her upstairs too, but this time kept these markers and continued on to show my son.

He and I designed a few charms, made with permanent markers, plastic to go box tops and then watched them shrink in the oven. We took something used and refurbished it into something new. It was exciting to see his face, but why couldn’t my daughters just….ugh.

Mean mom that I am, I grabbed these nifty little charms and showed it to my girls so they could see what they missed out on. The second batch melted a little too much, but we now know how to make them perfectly for next time. My middle child apologized and on we went to the second craft. Taking a hot glue gun to a jar and covering the jars with small buttons, beads and so on from broken bead necklaces, clothes and so on. We painted the inside of the jar green. We haven’t completed this jar because we ran out of pieces to glue to it, but we now have a project to collect for.