All posts by Eloquent Existence

Without Wings 5-8-2000

I can’t stop thinking about Javier. Everything seems to remind me of him and I feel this tremendous guilt gnawing away at my senses. I am comparing him to Dennis now. Everything Dennis doesn’t do I feel Javier would do. Today I’ve listened to the Lady in red about 12 times and each time I’ve wanted to pick up the phone and ask him if this is what he meant when he confessed he loved me. Dennis keeps asking me what I am thinking about.I tell him “nothing” or that I just “need some time” what else am I suppose to tell him. That the other man’s kind and sincere words have caught my attention. Am I suppose to tell him that while he was away on military weekend duty I was at the Park enjoying a wonderful conversation with another man, that with this man until this day I regret never kissing and though I am engaged now I still crave for that other man’s kiss. Am I suppose to tell Dennis that while he and I made love last night and took a shower this morning I imagined what it would be like to be this close and do these things with Javier. Am I suppose to tell him that I haven’t cheated on him, but that I have thought about it.

The things Javier said. The way he said. No man has ever spoken so politely to me with complete sincerity and wished me so much happiness at the risk of his own. I’ve never felt so beautiful around anyone. I’ve never laughed so much and felt so bad for not having the chance to return the love that he had or still has for me.

It was Saturday that Javier picked me up. About 4:00 pm. We had lunch at Benagins like old times, and like old times we laughed so much, almost choking on our food, at least I was, from the laughter. We also talked about his fear of moving to D.C. and my fear of moving to Alabama. We talked about our families. We talked about Dennis and how much I love him. After lunch we drove to Hermann park and went to the garden. We walked around the roses. He took several pictures with his 33 mm manual canon, of the roses as he asked me what were my favorite colored roses. I pointed out a few. Then we went to the other side of the gardens were the gazebo stood. I had been there with Dennis before a year or two ago sitting and cuddling. With Javier we sat across a bench from each other. We switched benches when the sun kept hitting over our eyes. We spoke there of the same thing we did at lunch, a continuation, of why we could never speak seriously before, of how it hurt him when he found out I was engaged, of how he’s just wondering if he’s doing the right thing going to D.C. I told him he was. It is something he has always wanted to do…He tried taking pictures of me too, but I became so shy I couldn’t pose for him. I kept hiding my face. He captured a few and then I took some of him and then told him to send them to me. I showed him the magnolia tree on our way out of the garden. He stole a flower for me. I told him to smell the flower. He enjoyed the smell. On the way to and from the park we listened to the radio and some CD. I asked him to let the first song play so he did, then we sang a long to it. “Ordinary Love” si what we sang along to it. I felt a bit strange being in a the car alonewith him instead of Dennis listening to No Ordinary Love and singing to it. A few times I caught Javier looking at me through the side of my eye, as I sang to it. I pretended like I didn’t notice. It kind of felt good that he was watching. I felt good enjoying the day with him. I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t want him to go. As he drove me to the parking lot I finally got the nerve to tell him “I’m really going to miss you”. I think I shocked him because he sort of put on the breaks turned to me gave me a sweet shocked smile and told me he would miss me too. He finally parked the car in front of the handicap sign. We looked at each other gave a small smile and then he took the flower from my hand and pulled a few petals off. I told him I would take the petals. It was the bulb that smelled and I wanted him to keep it. He agreed to this and then we opened our doors and got out. There by the car we stood. I told him to have fun. We hugged. We said a few more things and then he bent over to hug again. I could see a little water in his eyes. I told him bye and then I walked away to my building and then to my dorm. Now all day he’s all I can think about and yesterday while I was with him everything would remind me of Dennis. I don’t love Javier I just wish I had had the chance to. I wish he would have told me. I knew I was falling for him then and I pushed away as far as possible so that I wouldn’t and so I didn’t and now I wish I hadn’t. I am never going to know what it feels like to kiss him, not as long as Dennis is around. I want Dennis around. I love Dennis I just wish he could speak like Javier, but I’m not marrying Dennis for his creative ability or poetic knowledge. I’m marrying him because I love him and though I wish he knew hot to say stuff sometimes, I;; marry him with or without. I guess that’s all I have to say, for now.




Without Wings 5-1-2000 at 11:30 pm

I just read Javier’s confession, My Confessional which he asked me to read. I feel a little weird because I want to love him the way he loved or loves me, but I can’t. I love Dennis. I just feel so bad because here is this guy a great friend of mine who I know or at least feel loves me but he never tells me and when it finally all comes out I feel like I could have been really happy with him had I given him the chance and yet I am happy. Dennis is the best Man to ever come into my life. He is everything I’ve ever wanted, flaws and all. A part of me though wishes I could double myself and give Javier the love’s he;s been waiting for. I don’t love Javier but I wish I could have and if Dennis didn’t exist would I? I feel so bad because I want Javier to be happy. I never wanted to hurt him and I did. I just hope that when he moves on to Washington he finds someone wonderful that loves him as much as he deserves.

He told me to call him after I read his confession but what am I suppose to say? And with Nancy here…

She wouldn’t understand. She doesn’t understand anything…I’m a pretty luck lady to come across 4 wonderful men (6 if you count my brother and father) who really care about me 2 of who, love me 1 of which I can only return love to.

I am so happy that Booger, Anthony, Javier, Dennis, Jesus Junior and my dad are a part of my life. Who could ask for anything more?

I have to return to my studies now.



Without Wings 5-1-2000

Today was the last day of classes before finals. I guess you can say I’m a little stressed out, if not depressed because I’m not getting the feeling of my A’s coming on. And just about half an hour ago I turned in my poetry portfolio. I know it sucks and that’s exactly the grade I will receive. My poems were nothing compared to Jessica’s, Carols’s and those other 2 great poets in my class. Mine were crap compared to theirs. I wish I could get were they are at. I wish I could see things the way  they see them, feel them, hear them, taste, smell the way they do. I wish I had the vocabulary and the background or the knowledge of language the way they do. I wish I had all those wonderful experiences they have had and all the bad ones too. I wish I could write what I feel like they do. It’s not that I wish to be them, I just want to be able to express myself like they do. I wish that when I wrote something I could make someone laugh or cry or really think. I don’t want to write this mushy telenovela shit. I’ve often wondered if I should even continue writing, if I’m any good at it at all…

I want to be a writer. I can feel it in me. I just think it will take forever before it comes out.

Regardless I turned in my portfolio today. I hope I at least get a B. To get lower than that in a creative writing class is really really bad…

I am so sleepy. I think I’m going to take a nap until Dennis calls. I should begin working on my studies for finals, but I think I’ll take a nap.



Without Wings Entry 4-30-2000

I bought this notebook/journal yesterday at Barnes and Noble. It was either this notebook or the hardbound black notebook/journal. I will get the black one next time.

Today is my mother’s birthday. Its 1:00 pm and Teresa still has not called me to tell me when she is going tot pick me up to go to my mom’s. I hope she calls soon.

Anyways tomorrow finals week starts. I wish it was over with by now. I’m so tired of school. I can’t wait until I graduate. I have two more semesters to go, then I graduate, get married to my wonderful Dennis, and move to stupid Alabama with our washer and dryer (that his dad is giving to us) and all the other little things we have.

Norma graduates this semester. I am going to miss her so much.

I am going to call Yvette. Talk to you later…




Blogging Like A Virgin

I once was a wanna be writer. I had good ideas. I had a way with words. Technology helped me with spelling. I am a terrible speller. All in all if you gave me a topic I could come up with something to write. Was it because I was young and young people tend to have an imagination? Was it because I was young and young people don’t have as much stress or responsibilities: work, family, school? Was it because I had more time? Maybe less children? No those extra responsibilities give me more topics to consider writing about, but still I have draft after draft of unfinished articles unorganized in odd file folders on my computer.

As a writer technology is as much my enemy as it is my friend. Technology is my frenemy and I get itch every time I start to read another of the millions of articles out on the web about attracting more readers to my blog. The linking, the wording, the affiliations, the scoring, the vlogging, the picture linking, the….I hate it. What is a stronger word for hate?  A quick question in the search word bring about a whole list of stronger words for hate. I choose all of those to describe how much I hate technology.

When I was a bit younger I had more patience to read article after article about web content and linking for better blog traffic and some of it still holds very true, but in a few years what was true then no longer holds true and I end up just staring at the screen, my back aching, my eyes tired, my neck stiff thinking WTF!!!!!! Why can’t I just write and post and hope that the good old fashion word of mouth works. Yes, I know that idea is laughable in an age when so much can be found on the internet and what I write isn’t even close to a needle in a haystack but even harder to find than that.

My refurbished idea of the day…stop being a wuss and make the effort out of my super busy life to take the time to read those how-to bring traffic articles. Not necessarily for this blog. This one is still fairly new, but to my other one.

Relinquishing Pain With Mosaics

I bought this 3 tier corner decor shelf years ago. The broken dish pieces came from a woman on Facebook who gave them to me for free when I posted a want for mosaics on one of those beg and barter  and sale groups on Facebook. I bought the grout years ago as well. The only thing new was the glue I purchased on amazon, but it is suppose to be eco-friendly and non toxic. I have yet to finish the project I started for school. It still needs a bit of paint and stenciling, but here is my refurbished piece.

Mosaic 1

Lazy Environmentalist: Shame, Guilt and Blah

0930150727a.jpgI have been feeling guilty lately…no not lately. Lately is the lie. I’ve felt this guilt for some years now, about my inadequacies as a mother, my importance as a human being and as an environmentalist. When my children were younger I put more emphasis on cooking, cleaning, making, doing and giving.  In fact, cleaning up the mess we a humans have made of our environment became a focus, a mission, for me. I wasn’t obsessed or pushy about it to anyone, but it became my focus. I wanted to be a part of the solution. How could I help make a difference?

It was important to me because I wanted a cleaner, kinder, less wasteful world for my kids to live in. The idea of my children growing up in a world filled with polluted waters, more trash than trees, and harmful chemicals grown into everything they eat was scary. It still is scary, but somewhere around 4 or 5 years ago my life took a drastic turn to juggling motherhood but suddenly juggling fatherhood and my sanity. My priorities changed  quite a bit.

I began to worry more about getting food on the table and keeping the terrible evil people that exist in this world away from my children. My motherly dynamics changed to survival first and then nurturing and mother nature next. Except after survival and nurturing it felt like more often than not I didn’t have time for mother nature. I wont go into detail to explain why my shift in mindset happened, other than to say in a divorce things get messy and sometimes plans, no matter how carefully planned and detailed, change.

So, there I found myself in the beginning of all my turmoil, often at the grocery store debating in my head over organic milk for their health or regular hormone injected milk I could afford. How about water? Water is cheaper and more eco-friendly. Or is it? It depends on who you ask and what part of the world and wait what about that study that confirmed all the harmful chemicals in our drinking water. What? Wait? I don’t have time to figure this out.

For the longest time I kept buying the organic milk, but everything else I bought I made sure was at least fresh instead of packaged. Until packaged became exhausted end of the week, my feet really hurt, I will tell them this is a treat, convenience. I would make up for it on Saturday for lunch by making something with a lot of fresh vegetables.

It took me years of practice and discipline to learn to become more environmentally friendly and after the divorce I struggled with who cares anyways and guilt for not practicing what I preach to my loved ones and blog readers. In the end telling myself, at least I still put some recyclables into the recycle bin for Wednesday recyclable pickup.

I’ve slowly transitioned back to cooking more fresh at home. I still use a lot of vegetables and fruits, but the packaged still has a way of calling out to me when I am most tired and whispering very loudly to me, “You know you want me. You know I’m easy”. Still, I barely cook 3 times a week if that and the last time I baked was… Oh wait I still have the compost bin in the back yard that I unfortunately use more like a dumpster for my green scraps than I do for fresh new healthy dirt for my, once there was a garden there, garden.

Did I mention, I had to stir the compost bin a few months ago to get rid of bugs that infested it? I let my compost bin become that bug magnet most anti-environmentalist use as an example to rid people of the idea of the tremendous benefits of composting. But you see the bugs are my fault. Not the compost piles fault. Had I not been lazy and stirred the compost more often bugs would not infest the pile. Why? Because the trick to keeping bugs away is by keeping up with the compost bin.

I was also disillusioned and disappointed by the environmental scams, the confusion, the fact overload, the environmental extremist, the false green advertisement and false green pretenses the greedy people of the world will make to dupe those of us that want to make a positive difference in this world. I guess I grew tired of that too. I grew tired of trying to figure out what was really environmentally friendly and what was false. Everywhere you read there are simple steps to going green. Its true there are, but maintenance and commitment come easy only to the dedicated. In the mix and gist of all the confusion I understood well enough that no matter what the best I could do I understood well, was to buy non packaged, less preserved, fresh locally grown and made products, but then I ran into the problem of I usually couldn’t afford it.

I didn’t do any of it for mother nature.  She can handle herself. If she wants to wipe us out before we wipe each other out she can do that naturally or she can just sit back and watch us do it to each other. I did it for my kids. I did it for me. I did it for the very idea that I can’t stand how wasteful and ungrateful we all are for what we have. We take from the giving tree until she has and is nothing left but a stump of a tree and then we wonder why in the end we have nothing left, why we are left alone and our lives are meaningless. We appreciate nothing and we give nothing back. And instead of fixing it we just hate on ourselves and on each other.