Without Wings 6-26-2000

I’m at work now waiting for other TAs to arrive. Dennis and I are the only ones from the program that are here. There are some police officers here, sitting at the opposite end of the table we’re on. There are a few beautiful children here making a line to the cafeteria. They must be from some other program.

One more weekend this program is over. This Friday it ends and Dennis and I have to begin a job search again. It sucks not having a car. It would be much easier for us to find a job, if we did. Today Dennis and I may apply for a job on campus bookstore. I figure we could do that for the next 6 months… Next 6 months and then in December I graduate, and I become a married woman. It’s scary in a way. I want to do this. I want to graduate and get married, but I’m nervous. Will I act different? Will I be different? How will Dennis act? I’ve already told him not to expect lunch and dinner on the table cuz I’m not a housewife and I never will be. I told him not to expect babies for a while, not until he gets out of military. Who am I kidding though. Things happen and before we know it, I’m pregnant. Truth is I’m ready to have a baby. It sounds crazy I know, but it’s true.

Whenever I’m taking a walk by myself or with someone else and I pass by a mom and a dad or a baby, my ears become in tune to the baby’s laughter and tears. My eyes can’t turn away from the little hands in the little lips in the big eyes and the chubby body. I get an urge inside of me to pick up the baby and love it and take care of it and make it happy. And all of the same time I fear the baby because I’m too young to be a momma and I’m crazy for having such feelings for a baby that’s not mine. I’m ready to be a wife though. I’m ready to sit at The Breakfast Table across from Dennis as we eat are breakfast 5 minutes before we have to leave for work. I’m ready to lie down in his arms as we are spread out on our couch with popcorn and sandwiches on the table in front of us and the VCR set on on… I’m ready to fight over sink space as we do now to brush our teeth, but this time over our own thing. I’m ready to make love on our new used queen size mattress covered in satin sheets…

Yeah I’m ready

Laila

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