Without Wings 6-22-2000

Sometimes I don’t know if I’m happy or miserable. My whole day can be wonderful and then suddenly something someone says to me can completely change my mood. Most of the time I feel or think I am happy with Dennis and then there are days that I pick fights with him. These days, so many days make me think, why? We’re going to counseling he and I. He just started his, his second meeting was today. We decided to go separately, individually, to fix ourselves first and then do a couple counseling. Or maybe I decided and he just agreed to make me happy, he tends to do that a lot. His counselor told him that he’s ready to do couple counseling. She asked him to ask me if I was ready. Here I’ve been going to counseling for a while and I don’t feel ready and yet he’s only gone tutu and he’s ready. I know I don’t have to do couple counseling yet if I’m not ready, but does that mean I’m screwed up if I don’t. I feel like I have some anger disease and then more. I try to talk to somebody about it the more I feel like they feel as if I’m imagining things and yet deep down inside I feel so frustrated. Maybe comes from my father. My father who as he grows older grows calmer and nicer but the anger remains to a certain extent, and never ending anger. Chella’s the same way. You never know for sure if she’s angry or mad. Leticia and my mom are different. They’re usually sad Leticia of mad unless they’re happy. Veronica and Mom are up optimistic people whereas Chella and dad are pessimistic I’m pessimistic. I’m not really sure of Estella and Chuy’s is personality they still need life to hit them in the face. They’re lucky in a way. Sometimes I wish I can go back in time… Not too far back so. Not so far back that I have to watch my father drinking to his eyes turn red and then yelled at us. Not that far back. I don’t like those memories. I like the memories when he stopped drinking and stay to stop drinking I like the memories when Christmas wasn’t hasn’t been so bad, and everybody’s enjoying it even my mother and father. I like this past Father’s Day when I grab the courage from somewhere and picked up the phone and spoke to my father as if he had and I are more mature than the pride that keeps a silent usually. I like the fact that for the first time in a long time I went home and everything felt like everything was going to be okay. I felt like my familia was finally if I media. I even took my roommate with me, I love my family. I know I hardly ever write about them, but they are in my mind everyday and I know one day I will write the book about them they are the Reason God placed me on this Earth, to wash them to listen to them, taste them, feel them, smell them, love them and then finally immortalize them. One day my family’s name will spread throughout history through the mouths of common people who will share their story over and over again with their family. I loveour last name, the way it feels as it comes out of my mouth. I guess I’m funny that way huh. I guess that’s why I refuse to change my name to Hendricks when Dennis and I are married I’m willing to add it but not let it take over. His name in my name are of equal importance and that is all. I’m sure my mother would get upset but I don’t admit to her name, but there’s a long story behind that, basically the growing up Mexican American you get confused in… I wonder what the future is going to be like. I can see Dennis and I owning a bookstore / restaurant. I’m singing I’m signing autographs and he’s telling the waitress how organized and clean they were today. “Good job”. the funny thing is that we must be really screwed up or at least I maybe if we’re going to couple counseling.

Luscious, Laila

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