Without Wings 5-8-2000

I can’t stop thinking about Javier. Everything seems to remind me of him and I feel this tremendous guilt gnawing away at my senses. I am comparing him to Dennis now. Everything Dennis doesn’t do I feel Javier would do. Today I’ve listened to the Lady in red about 12 times and each time I’ve wanted to pick up the phone and ask him if this is what he meant when he confessed he loved me. Dennis keeps asking me what I am thinking about.I tell him “nothing” or that I just “need some time” what else am I suppose to tell him. That the other man’s kind and sincere words have caught my attention. Am I suppose to tell him that while he was away on military weekend duty I was at the Park enjoying a wonderful conversation with another man, that with this man until this day I regret never kissing and though I am engaged now I still crave for that other man’s kiss. Am I suppose to tell Dennis that while he and I made love last night and took a shower this morning I imagined what it would be like to be this close and do these things with Javier. Am I suppose to tell him that I haven’t cheated on him, but that I have thought about it.

The things Javier said. The way he said. No man has ever spoken so politely to me with complete sincerity and wished me so much happiness at the risk of his own. I’ve never felt so beautiful around anyone. I’ve never laughed so much and felt so bad for not having the chance to return the love that he had or still has for me.

It was Saturday that Javier picked me up. About 4:00 pm. We had lunch at Benagins like old times, and like old times we laughed so much, almost choking on our food, at least I was, from the laughter. We also talked about his fear of moving to D.C. and my fear of moving to Alabama. We talked about our families. We talked about Dennis and how much I love him. After lunch we drove to Hermann park and went to the garden. We walked around the roses. He took several pictures with his 33 mm manual canon, of the roses as he asked me what were my favorite colored roses. I pointed out a few. Then we went to the other side of the gardens were the gazebo stood. I had been there with Dennis before a year or two ago sitting and cuddling. With Javier we sat across a bench from each other. We switched benches when the sun kept hitting over our eyes. We spoke there of the same thing we did at lunch, a continuation, of why we could never speak seriously before, of how it hurt him when he found out I was engaged, of how he’s just wondering if he’s doing the right thing going to D.C. I told him he was. It is something he has always wanted to do…He tried taking pictures of me too, but I became so shy I couldn’t pose for him. I kept hiding my face. He captured a few and then I took some of him and then told him to send them to me. I showed him the magnolia tree on our way out of the garden. He stole a flower for me. I told him to smell the flower. He enjoyed the smell. On the way to and from the park we listened to the radio and some CD. I asked him to let the first song play so he did, then we sang a long to it. “Ordinary Love” si what we sang along to it. I felt a bit strange being in a the car alonewith him instead of Dennis listening to No Ordinary Love and singing to it. A few times I caught Javier looking at me through the side of my eye, as I sang to it. I pretended like I didn’t notice. It kind of felt good that he was watching. I felt good enjoying the day with him. I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t want him to go. As he drove me to the parking lot I finally got the nerve to tell him “I’m really going to miss you”. I think I shocked him because he sort of put on the breaks turned to me gave me a sweet shocked smile and told me he would miss me too. He finally parked the car in front of the handicap sign. We looked at each other gave a small smile and then he took the flower from my hand and pulled a few petals off. I told him I would take the petals. It was the bulb that smelled and I wanted him to keep it. He agreed to this and then we opened our doors and got out. There by the car we stood. I told him to have fun. We hugged. We said a few more things and then he bent over to hug again. I could see a little water in his eyes. I told him bye and then I walked away to my building and then to my dorm. Now all day he’s all I can think about and yesterday while I was with him everything would remind me of Dennis. I don’t love Javier I just wish I had had the chance to. I wish he would have told me. I knew I was falling for him then and I pushed away as far as possible so that I wouldn’t and so I didn’t and now I wish I hadn’t. I am never going to know what it feels like to kiss him, not as long as Dennis is around. I want Dennis around. I love Dennis I just wish he could speak like Javier, but I’m not marrying Dennis for his creative ability or poetic knowledge. I’m marrying him because I love him and though I wish he knew hot to say stuff sometimes, I;; marry him with or without. I guess that’s all I have to say, for now.




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