Without Wings 5-8-2000

I can’t stop thinking about Javier. Everything seems to remind me of him and I feel this tremendous guilt gnawing away at my senses. I am comparing him to Dennis now. Everything Dennis doesn’t do I feel Javier would do. Today I’ve listened to the Lady in red about 12 times and each time I’ve wanted to pick up the phone and ask him if this is what he meant when he confessed he loved me. Dennis keeps asking me what I am thinking about.I tell him “nothing” or that I just “need some time” what else am I suppose to tell him. That the other man’s kind and sincere words have caught my attention. Am I suppose to tell him that while he was away on military weekend duty I was at the Park enjoying a wonderful conversation with another man, that with this man until this day I regret never kissing and though I am engaged now I still crave for that other man’s kiss. Am I suppose to tell Dennis that while he and I made love last night and took a shower this morning I imagined what it would be like to be this close and do these things with Javier. Am I suppose to tell him that I haven’t cheated on him, but that I have thought about it.

The things Javier said. The way he said. No man has ever spoken so politely to me with complete sincerity and wished me so much happiness at the risk of his own. I’ve never felt so beautiful around anyone. I’ve never laughed so much and felt so bad for not having the chance to return the love that he had or still has for me.

It was Saturday that Javier picked me up. About 4:00 pm. We had lunch at Benagins like old times, and like old times we laughed so much, almost choking on our food, at least I was, from the laughter. We also talked about his fear of moving to D.C. and my fear of moving to Alabama. We talked about our families. We talked about Dennis and how much I love him. After lunch we drove to Hermann park and went to the garden. We walked around the roses. He took several pictures with his 33 mm manual canon, of the roses as he asked me what were my favorite colored roses. I pointed out a few. Then we went to the other side of the gardens were the gazebo stood. I had been there with Dennis before a year or two ago sitting and cuddling. With Javier we sat across a bench from each other. We switched benches when the sun kept hitting over our eyes. We spoke there of the same thing we did at lunch, a continuation, of why we could never speak seriously before, of how it hurt him when he found out I was engaged, of how he’s just wondering if he’s doing the right thing going to D.C. I told him he was. It is something he has always wanted to do…He tried taking pictures of me too, but I became so shy I couldn’t pose for him. I kept hiding my face. He captured a few and then I took some of him and then told him to send them to me. I showed him the magnolia tree on our way out of the garden. He stole a flower for me. I told him to smell the flower. He enjoyed the smell. On the way to and from the park we listened to the radio and some CD. I asked him to let the first song play so he did, then we sang a long to it. “Ordinary Love” si what we sang along to it. I felt a bit strange being in a the car alonewith him instead of Dennis listening to No Ordinary Love and singing to it. A few times I caught Javier looking at me through the side of my eye, as I sang to it. I pretended like I didn’t notice. It kind of felt good that he was watching. I felt good enjoying the day with him. I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t want him to go. As he drove me to the parking lot I finally got the nerve to tell him “I’m really going to miss you”. I think I shocked him because he sort of put on the breaks turned to me gave me a sweet shocked smile and told me he would miss me too. He finally parked the car in front of the handicap sign. We looked at each other gave a small smile and then he took the flower from my hand and pulled a few petals off. I told him I would take the petals. It was the bulb that smelled and I wanted him to keep it. He agreed to this and then we opened our doors and got out. There by the car we stood. I told him to have fun. We hugged. We said a few more things and then he bent over to hug again. I could see a little water in his eyes. I told him bye and then I walked away to my building and then to my dorm. Now all day he’s all I can think about and yesterday while I was with him everything would remind me of Dennis. I don’t love Javier I just wish I had had the chance to. I wish he would have told me. I knew I was falling for him then and I pushed away as far as possible so that I wouldn’t and so I didn’t and now I wish I hadn’t. I am never going to know what it feels like to kiss him, not as long as Dennis is around. I want Dennis around. I love Dennis I just wish he could speak like Javier, but I’m not marrying Dennis for his creative ability or poetic knowledge. I’m marrying him because I love him and though I wish he knew hot to say stuff sometimes, I;; marry him with or without. I guess that’s all I have to say, for now.




Without Wings 5-1-2000 at 11:30 pm

I just read Javier’s confession, My Confessional which he asked me to read. I feel a little weird because I want to love him the way he loved or loves me, but I can’t. I love Dennis. I just feel so bad because here is this guy a great friend of mine who I know or at least feel loves me but he never tells me and when it finally all comes out I feel like I could have been really happy with him had I given him the chance and yet I am happy. Dennis is the best Man to ever come into my life. He is everything I’ve ever wanted, flaws and all. A part of me though wishes I could double myself and give Javier the love’s he;s been waiting for. I don’t love Javier but I wish I could have and if Dennis didn’t exist would I? I feel so bad because I want Javier to be happy. I never wanted to hurt him and I did. I just hope that when he moves on to Washington he finds someone wonderful that loves him as much as he deserves.

He told me to call him after I read his confession but what am I suppose to say? And with Nancy here…

She wouldn’t understand. She doesn’t understand anything…I’m a pretty luck lady to come across 4 wonderful men (6 if you count my brother and father) who really care about me 2 of who, love me 1 of which I can only return love to.

I am so happy that Booger, Anthony, Javier, Dennis, Jesus Junior and my dad are a part of my life. Who could ask for anything more?

I have to return to my studies now.



Without Wings 5-1-2000

Today was the last day of classes before finals. I guess you can say I’m a little stressed out, if not depressed because I’m not getting the feeling of my A’s coming on. And just about half an hour ago I turned in my poetry portfolio. I know it sucks and that’s exactly the grade I will receive. My poems were nothing compared to Jessica’s, Carols’s and those other 2 great poets in my class. Mine were crap compared to theirs. I wish I could get were they are at. I wish I could see things the way¬† they see them, feel them, hear them, taste, smell the way they do. I wish I had the vocabulary and the background or the knowledge of language the way they do. I wish I had all those wonderful experiences they have had and all the bad ones too. I wish I could write what I feel like they do. It’s not that I wish to be them, I just want to be able to express myself like they do. I wish that when I wrote something I could make someone laugh or cry or really think. I don’t want to write this mushy telenovela shit. I’ve often wondered if I should even continue writing, if I’m any good at it at all…

I want to be a writer. I can feel it in me. I just think it will take forever before it comes out.

Regardless I turned in my portfolio today. I hope I at least get a B. To get lower than that in a creative writing class is really really bad…

I am so sleepy. I think I’m going to take a nap until Dennis calls. I should begin working on my studies for finals, but I think I’ll take a nap.



Without Wings Entry 4-30-2000

I bought this notebook/journal yesterday at Barnes and Noble. It was either this notebook or the hardbound black notebook/journal. I will get the black one next time.

Today is my mother’s birthday. Its 1:00 pm and Teresa still has not called me to tell me when she is going tot pick me up to go to my mom’s. I hope she calls soon.

Anyways tomorrow finals week starts. I wish it was over with by now. I’m so tired of school. I can’t wait until I graduate. I have two more semesters to go, then I graduate, get married to my wonderful Dennis, and move to stupid Alabama with our washer and dryer (that his dad is giving to us) and all the other little things we have.

Norma graduates this semester. I am going to miss her so much.

I am going to call Yvette. Talk to you later…