I’m at work now waiting for other TAs to arrive. Dennis and I are the only ones from the program that are here. There are some police officers here, sitting at the opposite end of the table we’re on. There are a few beautiful children here making a line to the cafeteria. They must be from some other program.
One more weekend this program is over. This Friday it ends and Dennis and I have to begin a job search again. It sucks not having a car. It would be much easier for us to find a job, if we did. Today Dennis and I may apply for a job on campus bookstore. I figure we could do that for the next 6 months… Next 6 months and then in December I graduate, and I become a married woman. It’s scary in a way. I want to do this. I want to graduate and get married, but I’m nervous. Will I act different? Will I be different? How will Dennis act? I’ve already told him not to expect lunch and dinner on the table cuz I’m not a housewife and I never will be. I told him not to expect babies for a while, not until he gets out of military. Who am I kidding though. Things happen and before we know it, I’m pregnant. Truth is I’m ready to have a baby. It sounds crazy I know, but it’s true.
Whenever I’m taking a walk by myself or with someone else and I pass by a mom and a dad or a baby, my ears become in tune to the baby’s laughter and tears. My eyes can’t turn away from the little hands in the little lips in the big eyes and the chubby body. I get an urge inside of me to pick up the baby and love it and take care of it and make it happy. And all of the same time I fear the baby because I’m too young to be a momma and I’m crazy for having such feelings for a baby that’s not mine. I’m ready to be a wife though. I’m ready to sit at The Breakfast Table across from Dennis as we eat are breakfast 5 minutes before we have to leave for work. I’m ready to lie down in his arms as we are spread out on our couch with popcorn and sandwiches on the table in front of us and the VCR set on on… I’m ready to fight over sink space as we do now to brush our teeth, but this time over our own thing. I’m ready to make love on our new used queen size mattress covered in satin sheets…
Yeah I’m ready
Sometimes I don’t know if I’m happy or miserable. My whole day can be wonderful and then suddenly something someone says to me can completely change my mood. Most of the time I feel or think I am happy with Dennis and then there are days that I pick fights with him. These days, so many days make me think, why? We’re going to counseling he and I. He just started his, his second meeting was today. We decided to go separately, individually, to fix ourselves first and then do a couple counseling. Or maybe I decided and he just agreed to make me happy, he tends to do that a lot. His counselor told him that he’s ready to do couple counseling. She asked him to ask me if I was ready. Here I’ve been going to counseling for a while and I don’t feel ready and yet he’s only gone tutu and he’s ready. I know I don’t have to do couple counseling yet if I’m not ready, but does that mean I’m screwed up if I don’t. I feel like I have some anger disease and then more. I try to talk to somebody about it the more I feel like they feel as if I’m imagining things and yet deep down inside I feel so frustrated. Maybe comes from my father. My father who as he grows older grows calmer and nicer but the anger remains to a certain extent, and never ending anger. Chella’s the same way. You never know for sure if she’s angry or mad. Leticia and my mom are different. They’re usually sad Leticia of mad unless they’re happy. Veronica and Mom are up optimistic people whereas Chella and dad are pessimistic I’m pessimistic. I’m not really sure of Estella and Chuy’s is personality they still need life to hit them in the face. They’re lucky in a way. Sometimes I wish I can go back in time… Not too far back so. Not so far back that I have to watch my father drinking to his eyes turn red and then yelled at us. Not that far back. I don’t like those memories. I like the memories when he stopped drinking and stay to stop drinking I like the memories when Christmas wasn’t hasn’t been so bad, and everybody’s enjoying it even my mother and father. I like this past Father’s Day when I grab the courage from somewhere and picked up the phone and spoke to my father as if he had and I are more mature than the pride that keeps a silent usually. I like the fact that for the first time in a long time I went home and everything felt like everything was going to be okay. I felt like my familia was finally if I media. I even took my roommate with me, I love my family. I know I hardly ever write about them, but they are in my mind everyday and I know one day I will write the book about them they are the Reason God placed me on this Earth, to wash them to listen to them, taste them, feel them, smell them, love them and then finally immortalize them. One day my family’s name will spread throughout history through the mouths of common people who will share their story over and over again with their family. I loveour last name, the way it feels as it comes out of my mouth. I guess I’m funny that way huh. I guess that’s why I refuse to change my name to Hendricks when Dennis and I are married I’m willing to add it but not let it take over. His name in my name are of equal importance and that is all. I’m sure my mother would get upset but I don’t admit to her name, but there’s a long story behind that, basically the growing up Mexican American you get confused in… I wonder what the future is going to be like. I can see Dennis and I owning a bookstore / restaurant. I’m singing I’m signing autographs and he’s telling the waitress how organized and clean they were today. “Good job”. the funny thing is that we must be really screwed up or at least I maybe if we’re going to couple counseling.
I don’t know where to start. It has been about 2 weeks or so since my last entry and I’ve gone and come back from Illinois since then. Sunday night on mother’s day is when Dennis and I packed our bags put them in the car and began our drive to Illinois. On Monday about 4pm we arrived. The say at his grandparents was so relaxing. No work. No school. His grandparents were the sweetest and the cutest old couple. In a way I’m envious of Dennis because he’s had the chance to experience the grandparent stuff. I’ve had very little experience in that. Anyway I don’t feel like writing much right now. I’m kind of mad at Dennis cause he’s always wanting to sleep and shit. I did have a great time in Illinois though and I’m sorry we had to come back. I wish we could have brought his grandparents back with us but we couldn’t. Besides why would they want to come to a big stupid city like Houston.
I started my job today. I work at the same place Dennis does. I’ll talk about that later too, I guess. We had a meeting today. The job doesn’t start until June 5th though.
Anyways I have to go.
I can’t stop thinking about Javier. Everything seems to remind me of him and I feel this tremendous guilt gnawing away at my senses. I am comparing him to Dennis now. Everything Dennis doesn’t do I feel Javier would do. Today I’ve listened to the Lady in red about 12 times and each time I’ve wanted to pick up the phone and ask him if this is what he meant when he confessed he loved me. Dennis keeps asking me what I am thinking about.I tell him “nothing” or that I just “need some time” what else am I suppose to tell him. That the other man’s kind and sincere words have caught my attention. Am I suppose to tell him that while he was away on military weekend duty I was at the Park enjoying a wonderful conversation with another man, that with this man until this day I regret never kissing and though I am engaged now I still crave for that other man’s kiss. Am I suppose to tell Dennis that while he and I made love last night and took a shower this morning I imagined what it would be like to be this close and do these things with Javier. Am I suppose to tell him that I haven’t cheated on him, but that I have thought about it.
The things Javier said. The way he said. No man has ever spoken so politely to me with complete sincerity and wished me so much happiness at the risk of his own. I’ve never felt so beautiful around anyone. I’ve never laughed so much and felt so bad for not having the chance to return the love that he had or still has for me.
It was Saturday that Javier picked me up. About 4:00 pm. We had lunch at Benagins like old times, and like old times we laughed so much, almost choking on our food, at least I was, from the laughter. We also talked about his fear of moving to D.C. and my fear of moving to Alabama. We talked about our families. We talked about Dennis and how much I love him. After lunch we drove to Hermann park and went to the garden. We walked around the roses. He took several pictures with his 33 mm manual canon, of the roses as he asked me what were my favorite colored roses. I pointed out a few. Then we went to the other side of the gardens were the gazebo stood. I had been there with Dennis before a year or two ago sitting and cuddling. With Javier we sat across a bench from each other. We switched benches when the sun kept hitting over our eyes. We spoke there of the same thing we did at lunch, a continuation, of why we could never speak seriously before, of how it hurt him when he found out I was engaged, of how he’s just wondering if he’s doing the right thing going to D.C. I told him he was. It is something he has always wanted to do…He tried taking pictures of me too, but I became so shy I couldn’t pose for him. I kept hiding my face. He captured a few and then I took some of him and then told him to send them to me. I showed him the magnolia tree on our way out of the garden. He stole a flower for me. I told him to smell the flower. He enjoyed the smell. On the way to and from the park we listened to the radio and some CD. I asked him to let the first song play so he did, then we sang a long to it. “Ordinary Love” si what we sang along to it. I felt a bit strange being in a the car alonewith him instead of Dennis listening to No Ordinary Love and singing to it. A few times I caught Javier looking at me through the side of my eye, as I sang to it. I pretended like I didn’t notice. It kind of felt good that he was watching. I felt good enjoying the day with him. I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t want him to go. As he drove me to the parking lot I finally got the nerve to tell him “I’m really going to miss you”. I think I shocked him because he sort of put on the breaks turned to me gave me a sweet shocked smile and told me he would miss me too. He finally parked the car in front of the handicap sign. We looked at each other gave a small smile and then he took the flower from my hand and pulled a few petals off. I told him I would take the petals. It was the bulb that smelled and I wanted him to keep it. He agreed to this and then we opened our doors and got out. There by the car we stood. I told him to have fun. We hugged. We said a few more things and then he bent over to hug again. I could see a little water in his eyes. I told him bye and then I walked away to my building and then to my dorm. Now all day he’s all I can think about and yesterday while I was with him everything would remind me of Dennis. I don’t love Javier I just wish I had had the chance to. I wish he would have told me. I knew I was falling for him then and I pushed away as far as possible so that I wouldn’t and so I didn’t and now I wish I hadn’t. I am never going to know what it feels like to kiss him, not as long as Dennis is around. I want Dennis around. I love Dennis I just wish he could speak like Javier, but I’m not marrying Dennis for his creative ability or poetic knowledge. I’m marrying him because I love him and though I wish he knew hot to say stuff sometimes, I;; marry him with or without. I guess that’s all I have to say, for now.
Herman park with Javier
Petals from a Magnolia flower
Leaf from a Magnolia tree
Feather by a Magnolia tree
I just read Javier’s confession, My Confessional which he asked me to read. I feel a little weird because I want to love him the way he loved or loves me, but I can’t. I love Dennis. I just feel so bad because here is this guy a great friend of mine who I know or at least feel loves me but he never tells me and when it finally all comes out I feel like I could have been really happy with him had I given him the chance and yet I am happy. Dennis is the best Man to ever come into my life. He is everything I’ve ever wanted, flaws and all. A part of me though wishes I could double myself and give Javier the love’s he;s been waiting for. I don’t love Javier but I wish I could have and if Dennis didn’t exist would I? I feel so bad because I want Javier to be happy. I never wanted to hurt him and I did. I just hope that when he moves on to Washington he finds someone wonderful that loves him as much as he deserves.
He told me to call him after I read his confession but what am I suppose to say? And with Nancy here…
She wouldn’t understand. She doesn’t understand anything…I’m a pretty luck lady to come across 4 wonderful men (6 if you count my brother and father) who really care about me 2 of who, love me 1 of which I can only return love to.
I am so happy that Booger, Anthony, Javier, Dennis, Jesus Junior and my dad are a part of my life. Who could ask for anything more?
I have to return to my studies now.
Today was the last day of classes before finals. I guess you can say I’m a little stressed out, if not depressed because I’m not getting the feeling of my A’s coming on. And just about half an hour ago I turned in my poetry portfolio. I know it sucks and that’s exactly the grade I will receive. My poems were nothing compared to Jessica’s, Carols’s and those other 2 great poets in my class. Mine were crap compared to theirs. I wish I could get were they are at. I wish I could see things the way they see them, feel them, hear them, taste, smell the way they do. I wish I had the vocabulary and the background or the knowledge of language the way they do. I wish I had all those wonderful experiences they have had and all the bad ones too. I wish I could write what I feel like they do. It’s not that I wish to be them, I just want to be able to express myself like they do. I wish that when I wrote something I could make someone laugh or cry or really think. I don’t want to write this mushy telenovela shit. I’ve often wondered if I should even continue writing, if I’m any good at it at all…
I want to be a writer. I can feel it in me. I just think it will take forever before it comes out.
Regardless I turned in my portfolio today. I hope I at least get a B. To get lower than that in a creative writing class is really really bad…
I am so sleepy. I think I’m going to take a nap until Dennis calls. I should begin working on my studies for finals, but I think I’ll take a nap.